An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret

3 Nov

Dearest Vicky:

Seeing as I am certainly your greatest customer, I would like to take a moment to discuss something with you: thighs. I, like most women, keep mine between my hips and my knees. I was under the impression they were meant to be just a bit meaty…you know…like something to grab on to, to propel me when I run, to help me lift heavy shopping bags and the like.

However, after spending an obscene amount of money on numerous pairs of your pants I now realize you are not familiar with thighs.

Please see Marilyn Monroe and Daisy Duke for examples. I assure you, Vicky, when AC/DC sang about American thighs, they weren’t picturing the stick legs of a 13-year-old.

My confusion continues regarding your ignorance of thighs because, as proven by the 5 pairs of your pants I tried on tonight, you are acutely aware of the FUVA (fat upper vagina area) which plagues some ladies. Your pants fit comfortably in the waist, yet allow excess room for what would have to be a very generously sized FUVA, then continue on into a teeny tiny expanse of material suitable for a femur, sure, but certainly not for a thigh. I ask you, Vicky, what woman do you know with a tiny waist, a massive FUVA, and a complete lack of thighs?

I can only then conclude that you simply forgot to install the thigh space in the 5 pairs of pants I purchased from you. I will return them so that you may add the thighs into the pants and then we can continue on with our relationship which, until today, has only been mutual love for one other.

With much love,
Your Friend With The Regular Thighs

PS: Thanks for the lift…no one’s even going to notice my thighs ; )

PSS: Sorry for saying “vagina.”

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9 Responses to “An Open Letter to Victoria’s Secret”

  1. Brandi November 3, 2010 at 7:30 pm #

    I love this post!! I just got a new swim suit in the mail from there today. It fits perfect except the bottom holes where my legs/thighs go is too small!

    • maggieandzac November 3, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

      SEE!!!!

  2. klmphotos November 3, 2010 at 8:18 pm #

    HA! HAHAHAHA! I think you are so right…great open letter!

  3. Rebecca November 3, 2010 at 8:28 pm #

    Oh my gosh, Maggie. You make me laugh so hard! I totally agree with you though–I’ve attempted on numerous occasions to purchase swimwear from VS b/c it is so darn cute only to return it because it does not fit correctly. Maybe Vicky should stick to what she knows best bras&perfume 🙂 And I cracked up when you defined FUVA…LOL!

  4. April November 3, 2010 at 10:26 pm #

    Vicki and I had an argument about thighs some years ago and we haven’t spoken since. Two words: Gap Body.

  5. Lori November 4, 2010 at 7:03 am #

    Maggie-My daughter is going to kill me but I had to respond to this. You girls are hilarious! Wait until you turn 50 and nothing is where it is suppose to be. I love your blog and all your pictures.

    • maggieandzac November 4, 2010 at 7:28 am #

      HAHA! Thanks! Maybe when I’m 50 I can use double sided tape to hoist and secure my thighs up into the ass space…there was plenty of extra room there.

  6. betsy November 4, 2010 at 2:46 pm #

    well excuse me because your mama is 50 and thighs are not her problem!! its the waist…..my ass left my behind and moved to my gut but thank you jesus i do not have a “fuva”. i dont think i do……

  7. Lori November 5, 2010 at 6:35 am #

    Betsy-you are definitely aging better than me. My problem is my gut to my knees!

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