Getting fit

21 Apr

I have a new plan.

My previous plan wasn’t working.

My get-fit plan that is.

(Speaking of plans…ran into Walgreen’s the other day. Passed by the condom aisle on my way to the pharmacy. Noticed the sign above the condoms said “family planning.” Really? Shouldn’t it say “family avoidance?” Anyway. That’s not what we were talking about.)

About my get-fit plan. You’ll notice I’m calling it get-fit rather than weight-loss. People get real funny when you talk about weight loss. They try to sneak a peek at your ass when you turn your head to see if you are indeed in need of weight loss. Or, if they have more weight than you, they become very perturbed that you, you skinny bitch you, are trying to lose weight. Or – and this is the worst – they say things like “I thought you were trying to lose weight” when you ordered fried foods or pop one too many tops. I avoid all of these situations through word choice. I recommend it: Get-fit plan.

There are two reasons for my plan. The first being that I used to be fit and I remember what it felt like. The second being that there is a white dress with my name on it and it isn’t interested in allowing an extra ounce of fat within its seams.

The problem with my original plan, which was simply to work out 3 times each week, is that I could be a professional excuse maker. Examples? I cannot work out today because my middle toe nail is too long. I cannot work out today because the sun is shining through the miniblinds in such a way that it blinds me when I do sit ups. See? Problematic.

I used to have other more honest excuses.

Its too hot to walk outside, if I had a treadmill…. So I got a treadmill. The tread is to short for my stride and I fell off. Its a hazard.

If I had more interesting workout videos… So I bought a boxed set of Carmen Electra Strip Tease videos. And then the neighborhood teenage boys bought binoculars. Its a hazard.

I’m too tired to make any more excuses so I’ve decided to trick myself. Clever, I know.

My new get-fit plan is to get fit without noticing. I am going to bike, hike and canoe myself into shape all under the guise of “enjoying nature and getting out of the house.”

Through a series of camping trips I believe I can accomplish this. I do not own a bike or a canoe but I’ve got that figured out. Our list of camping destinations includes only places where we can rent bikes and/or canoes and places with access to moderately difficult hiking trails. It will be fun and adventurous. I will not notice myself getting fit! (Hear me convincing myself?) And it should eliminate some excuse making…if I hike two miles up a hill I have to go back right? (Unless I’m Stevie Nicks…she climbed a mountain and she turned around…and the landslide brought her down. I’m looking to avoid landslides though.)

There’s only one problem. For reasons based on safety and common sense, you cannot go from zero activity level to full-day hiking adventures. And it sure would suck to row my canoe out into the middle of lake and find I don’t have the back strength to row myself back to shore.

It appears my get-fit plan has a pre-requisite. I have to get fit enough for the get-fit plan. That plan starts today.

But in all seriousness, I do feel like trying to reach a fitness goal for the sake of being able do things that are more physically demanding is a lot more motivating than trying to look a certain way in a swimsuit. It’s a lot less shallow too. I can’t help but care what I look like, I am a female after all. But I’m trying to get away from that.

Looking really good doesn’t mean much. Case in point…Holly Madison and Denise Richards on Dancing with the Stars. Smoking hot bodies. Can’t dance to save their lives. My hips might have a few extra layers of padding but I can shake them into a decent rumba for crying out load! Of course I can only rumba for a short while and then I collapse for lack of oxygen. Anyway, the point I’m making is we are all really obsessed with our fitness/weight situations for one reason or another and we all make ridiculous excuses. Maybe we would more successful if we focused on what our bodies were capable or rather than just how they looked.

I’ll let you know how it goes! If by August the blog is full of pictures of my toned-ass hiking all over some outragously hilly terrain or rowing a canoe with my sculpted shoulders baking under the sun…then it works.

But remember! This is not a diet. So when those hiking/canoing pictures also inlude beer cans I don’t want to hear any “I thought you were trying to lose weight…” comments. I didn’t say anything about sacrafice did I?? No. You leave my beer and pizza diet alone! Capice?

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4 Responses to “Getting fit”

  1. Zac April 21, 2009 at 6:51 pm #

    Haha, I shot water out my nose when I read the “landslide” bit! Now my keyoard is kinda damp. Damn.

    I think I shall join in on your “get fit” plan!

  2. mom April 21, 2009 at 9:36 pm #

    just a thought….. your dad is on the beer and pizza diet….lol. hope it works better for you.haha. you look absolutely beautiful in the white dress just the way you are, i know i saw you!!!

  3. ERICA!!!!!! April 22, 2009 at 4:43 pm #

    i’m with Betsy on this one…I saw you too! 🙂 (HA ZAC…I know what Maggie looks like in her white dress and youuuuuu dooooon’t…*insert whiny 2nd grader voice into that sentence)

    Seriously, next time you go to Walgreens/Domino’s/Target/etc, bike there! I do it all the time and my hips and wallet thank me:) I’m bound and determined to fit into whatever this unforgiving bridesmaid’s dress has in store for me:)

  4. maggieandzac April 22, 2009 at 5:00 pm #

    Thanks! I’m glad you both think I look good in the dress. Now to be able to dance in it with heaving and gasping for air…

    I wish I could bike everywhere! I don’t own a bike! Isn’t that sad? I don’t really have anywhere to store one though so I’ll deal. I got-fit last night! Day One – Success!

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